so as of late most of you know that I have been having the month from hell...diru was AMAZING ... They always are. But to update you all on what is going on on, I am

one: being kicked out (though being able to stay long enough to get a car or find someplace to stay even though as it stands I really have no place to go... My dad lives with someone who is having a kid so that rule out dad, my mother is living with her boyfriend and I'm sick of the abusive men that I've all together ruled her out... the rest of my family has no room or doesn't even know I exists so really I have no chance. and the shelter is out of the question for the simple fact is that I have a job here I'm not about to go about 40-60 miles away without transportation or money to get back and forth to work... so there is no option there so I am pretty much my fucked) But it apparently it's been a long time coming but meh I kinda figured it would happen eventually. Here to hoping things will work out with my friends

two: I've had to stay out of work for three weeks cause I have been really ill. So in order not to get fired, I had to go to the hospital and get a leave of absents. That sucked. Now I owe the hospital like $1000 because I had to go twice in one day. All to be top "Oh you have bronchitis"... so yea three weeks later I return to work better but not great. Come to find out as I look at the schedule I'm on it this week but I'm not on it the next two... God DAMMIT! Then I have my 90 day eval and apparently I suck at everything but they are still going to keep me. which Yay lucky me... sarcasm...

Three: and to top it all off I broke my phone... I drop it on cement and it's perfectly fine, Drop it on a rugged floor and the screen cracks why the fuck do I have to be such a fucking klutz... Gah REALLY is that that fucking hard to just keep one nice thing from fucking breaking???? sorry had to. but one of my friends is letting me use her's until I can get a new one or find someone that has a another spear.

So as you can tell I have had shit luck since the show, but I can tell you now those boys are worth it. Now all I can say is things can only get better. I have to have hope cause if I don't then I will end up going insane (even more then I already am) and I swear that is the last thing I need...

I look in your eyes
and I know now
that it could never be
your heart will never belong to me
so I'll stand from a distance
As i have all this time
and just wishfully think
that maybe someday
we'll see eye to eye
You have been my hopes
My dreams
My everything
even though you'll never see
there will always be
that hidden part of me
so let me stand beside you
for this one and only time
Take a picture
just to remember
that this time was actually true
That I was there once
standing right by you
though we've never met before
I still can't help the feeling
at my very core
maybe next time
in that darkened room
you'll somehow remember me.

So maybe sitting down stairs is a bad idea, but then again it's nothing I haven't been thinking. Forgive me for even thinking this, this does not mean that my feelings have change about you all I still love you all. But take a step back and hear me out. Ever feel yourself thinking that life and people in it are just a facade. Can people really change or is it all an act to play nice. Don't think of this as one of my depressed rants because it's not. It has to do with a song that the duche bag on the couch was playing. Just made me think of shit that is all too real. Well here is my take on it. Even if everything was all a facade I would be the naive little girl in the back corner and believe that all is good, because I refuse to believe that people are that cruel. Plus that and my heart is just to damn big and soft. I am too easily hurt as most of you know and I don't think, after everything that I have gone through, that I can handle another heart break. No matter what causes it.

Gah I've had enough. I love her to death, I d but there is only so much I can fucking take. I understand that the phone has bee practice glue to my hands but that is because I no longer have a computer. Sshe fucking wants me to hang out and basicallly mean drop everything I'm doing and put all my attention on her. Sorry but I do have a live outside of this tiny little godforsaken town. I can multitask you know. I meant what I said I love her to death and I will do my best to be pationet (can't spell and no spell check...great I'm fucked.) but even a saint has it's limitts. Not saying I am one. You know to me it seems like lately she's trying her DAMNEDEST to push everyone away again. Look I told you before and I'll say it again... No matter how much you puush my buttons or piss me the fuck off, I not going anywhere. I llove you neechan but enough with the fucking low blows im not mom and I am sure as hell NOT kevin. I will always be here for you but you need to talk to me or something I can inl do so much.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

Still no computer neechan was nice enough to let me use hers. Hope to talk to you all soon.




<3 空

Ok so due the fact that I never realized that my laptop got covered my screen is now broken. Someone steped on it I am to blame...Eh what ever shit happens for a reason right? Maybe something better will come my way. At least I know this much...I can still hook it up to a differnt monitor and get my shit off it as soon as I have an exturnal hard drive and a cable to hook it up with...So until I can get all this stuff done...this is Sora signing off. Til we meet again...

Love you all
Sora

Have you ever sat there and wondered what it would be like to have the man of your dreams? Ever feel like they are too good for you or that they are so far out of your league? These past couple days I can't help having this desperate feeling of wanting to be loved. To have that same thing that Sayuri-chan has, but where my heart has been broken so many times that I have refined what I want in a man and aimed so high that I know I will NEVER be able to a actually meet or have.

But today I've noticed something, some of the a few of the men in my life that are with in reach...aren't for one reason or another; Too young, too far away, "Your like my little sister", I'm gay, I'm famous, or the one that kills me the most; "Sorry I'm in love with someone else!". Why must this always happen....I am now 20 years old. Granted I know I am still young yet, but you have to see it this way; you never know when your last day in this world will be. I'm not saying this to be emo I am saying this because it is true. I could live for the next 80 year or die in my sleep tonight. Ok so neechan says life in the now, and I at least going to try, but the love sick puppy, it's not a flaw it's a part of me...it's the one thing I lacked up until this point. That is why I attempted to surround myself with so many people and the reason I hate losing them. Plus there is just this giant chunk of my heart missing.

*sigh*I'm going to stop because if I continue it's only going to get worse and I really REALLY don't feel like getting bitched at for this post...

Love you all,
<3 空

YAY HAPPY DAY! My Social Security Card came in today.... YAY....now I just have to remember what I did with my Birth certificate so I can go get my ID and get my better job. Maybe they'll accept my blood donor card... it has my DOB on it. Well here's to hoping. There is only one small problem. I need someone to take me to go do this. I need to get my check, go to the DMV to get stuff done for my ID (which I can't pay for because I have no money until I can some from of ID), go to BJ's to get the drug test paper work, then to Jordan before 4 so I can take the damn thing..I just don't want to ask anyone other than the people I already have because I feel like I have already asked too much from them...Oh well guess I can wait til friday.

I am beginning to hate my life more and more with each passing day. First the stole wallet and trying to replace EVERYTHING Social Security is ALWAYS busy. Second in order to get a new ID I need a SSC, but in order to get a SSC I need a valid ID which... I have neither. Third I have two different jobs line up which neither of them I can take because of the stupid fucking ID problem last there is masshealth the bane of my existence...I am about to lose the only thing that is keeping me sane cause the fuckers found out before I could call and tell them that I was working...now that I am losing my job because stupid idiots can 't seem to warn me ahead of time that they're closing at the end of august...I'm now out a job and possible insurance because masshealth can't pull their head out of their asses long enough to help anyone.... So I lose insurance, therapy, couple of jobs and mos likely a place to live... now do you see why I hate my life... I want to smile and bare it... but when one has been pushed so far...there is no smiling anymore. too much shit for one little person to handle.

I'm not going to lie...it hurts. Listening to them talk about band stuff and studio stuff and just...music in general, well group stuff. A group that I was once a part of. I'll put a smiled on and be happy for them, but it hurts like a bitch. *sigh* I want this pain to be gone already. Come on Sora pull yourself together... I feel so alienated. Sometimes I wonder if I even belong here... Don't get me wrong I love them all but...it just...hurts... I don't say this to them directly because I don't want to bring everyone else done. Or even let them see how weak I truly am. This is my greatest fear coming to life...me standing alone while everyone else has something or someone else.

I talked to my manager today and it just made me realize exactly just how meek I am. I may not be cut out for music but I swear I will try... I just wish I didn't have to do it on my own...

So here is my smile for now ^-^, because even though I'm still in pain...It's just another thing that I will have to get over...hopfully...

There's just something in me that's missing........

Ok so sitting here alone with a little time to think. Even as depressed that I am...I'm still going to try... My voice is all I have...I can't give that up. Practice makes perfect...right?

I still feel miserable. Even though I can suck it up and put a smile on my face, that still does not change what I am truly feeling deep within. I just don't want those around me to see how broken I really am. How does one explain that they feel like their whole life was just ripped from underneath them. I am not nearly half as good as they are.

I just have to accept the fact that I am just not cut out for music. Maybe it's just time that I see that and move on. And though it is killing me to say this, I know it is true. I am too old for a childish dream. As much as music is my life I can't seem to shake the feeling I'll never be any good. Only the best and strong make it. This is not me giving up, this is me realizing that I just don't have what it takes. There is no choice left for me. I don't have the talent or the strength to make it on my own. They were my only hope, the only thing holding me together and keeping me going.

...I'm sorry I failed...

Pain
betrayal
lost
emptiness
sorrow
hurt
Devistation
broken hearted
too many words to describe the pain in heart.
I knew this day would come but I never thought it would be this soon. Goes to show you how blind I am.
Too caring
too forgiving
too naive
too stubborn
too thick head
too stupid
The things I wish I never was.
I guess it is my own fault. No one to blame here but myself. I want to change, I'm just not sure how. In the end it cost me. The one thing that kept me going. The one thing I had to look forward in life. Again no one to blame but myself. I want to curl up and pretend this never happened. I want to go back to when SHE was still alive. Everything was so simple then... I want to hate them... but I can't...I just can't... I don't have it in my heart to...

Gah... I can't believe in exactly one week I will be turning 20... It's a little scary to think about. さいよなら lack of childhood,こんちわ scary adulthood。It's not that I'm a afraid of growing up, I'm just afraid of ... I really don't know. I know there really is nothing to be afraid of that it is me just being really stupid, but ...it's just how I feel. I want to do something exciting for my birthday but at the same time I promised Rin we could go fishing. Plus I have no money until the day after and by then it is too late. *Sigh* as I told neechan I really I'm just going to forget that I even have a birthday anymore... It just seem safe that way.

I give up on trying to get my Family (more like my parents) to care about me in some shape way or form. You it's said that once a child is conceived, your life is no longer your own. That's why I can say whenever I have kids I can never put them through what I have gone through.

( Here we go again! )

And once again this was suppose to be a rant about both parents and it turn out to be a rant about my father and kevin... oh well!

Dir en grey seems to be my really friends at the moment (listening to them nonstop)

So I finally decided to open up to my father for the first in well... ever... I now regret even making the decision to do so... Just so you all know what happened here is the chat I had with him.

( Finally opening up to my father and look what I get. )


And that was just the icing on the cake. Saturday was great...up until shit head decided to to ruin my perfectly good night by starting shit with Sayuri and saying shit behind my back.

( shithead's involvement )

Why is it you always miss your child hood more when you've never really ad one to begin with, or just a really shity one. Being with my dad yesterday made me want to be that littl girl again. I wish things had gone so differently. But I know there is no change the past and no use living in it, there is only the future to look forward to. I just wish my father and I were closer but I'm not sure that will ever happen.

GAH, so neechan downloaded and decided to watch the "The Rose Trims Again" tour dvd rip. Well apparently on the second disk there is footage for the Osaka Jo Hall. They played "Ain't afraid to die" followed by "The final". Yea talk about sob fest. I love diru. I love a lot of things about that band. But it's time that I got my head out of the clouds and started taking more pride in myself (and gawd dammit I wish my "Y" button would work better!) time to make my life better. Thanks to Diru inspiration, I can finally see my way.

Ok so I got this idea when I was talking to Tomo, and here it is. Why don't we do a memorial show on the day that Kami die. This marks the 10th year that he has been gone so that day we get a few people on the show (Tomo, Ryo, Roger, Angel, ect...) and play stuff in honor of Kami. and the last song we play for that day maybe the live version of Regret. it's all up to you two.

It hurts, but why? Why does it hurt so much? There just feels like there is so much missing. Don't get me wrong I love my friends and I love the people around me...but...there's something missing. I can't put my finger on it. I just feel so empty lately. I wish I knew what it was so I can fix it.

What is missing? As I listen "Please Remember" by Leanne Rimes, I ask myself this question over and over, because I can not help but feel like there is. Could it be that I'm missing the people that left me stuck in this life feeling all alone? Is it the friends I lost over the years that I got so close to? Is it the family that left me in the world to defend for myself even before I was even born? No one can answer any of this but me. But for some unknown reason I can't because I don't know.

I have my friends from high school, I have a new family, and I'm always surrounded by people who care. Even by some who don't really know me. Then why do I feel this empty? It's got me talking in circles and there is no end.

Could it be that I live to make most people happy, but at the same time being selfish and wanting my own as well? Could it be that it's contradicting itself and creating this hole in my heart? I'm so lost at this point that I'm not sure if there is any way I can dig myself out of this ditch.

Is it that I need to find myself? No can't be... I just recently started to find myself and am slowly beginning to learn from myself, beginning to love myself a little more each day. Then WHAT IS IT? *sigh* I lack something... I just need to know what!

Sorry everyone...I guess I'm so broken that even the maker can't fix me. lol. Wow that fell flat!

I love you all
<3 sora