Hey,

I know things I have been writing lately have been really negative, and I know none of you really want to hear it... or in this case read it. So please except this as my apology. Lately things have been really strained but I'm hoping I can fix it. This year I'm going to try and focus on what I need to fix, what I need to work on, who I owe, who I need to forgot, and of course take that time to also fix myself. 

It's been almost a year and a half since I had an actual job. I don't count fair for reason. But a year and a half is really too long. I also need to find a stable home. For those of you who keep suggesting my parents here is the reasons I can't. My mom, for starters, as much as we've been getting along as of late, she just doesn't have the room. I will be 23 this yea and honestly I can not be sharing a room with a hormonal teenage sister, Or sleeping in the living room with her boyfriend's drunk friend. I just can't. I feel uncomfortable and slightly grossed out. No offense Mike, I love you to pieces but... no... Dbo... no

Now for my dad, this one is a bit of a touchy subject because I know if he reads this or if certain people read it will just go running to him just to start shit. So let me get this out right now, I love my dad. I use to be a daddy's girl but at this point me and him have drifted over the years. Maybe it's my fault, maybe it's his, maybe it's both but that does not mean I don't love him it just means we're not as close. To be honest I don't think we really were to begin with. At least that's how it feels. Again not pointing blame... yet and I'm sorry but things are going to come out now and I'm not long accusing him of this it's just how I feel. For the last few years (though I know he does) I have felt like he doesn't care. Like I've always taken the back burner to his latest flame, or someone else's child, or some people I thought I could call friends. I understand both our lives have been ... rough, he has his reasons I have mine. I really want to reconnect with him but I think at this point it's just too late. Now for the reason I can't move in. It comes down to once again no room and I feel he's more worried about his life and happiness. 

So now that you have read that lovely little tidbit, shall we go on further. -Sigh- 

I have lived in a few places and in each one I have burn a bridge some how. This is me we're talking about. I have problems and there are some I'm not willing to admit. Even to myself quite yet but that's my problem. A few I have come to terms with is, I have a short temper and do fly of the handle (not physically just .... it's weird), I shut down or break down when I feel like things are going wrong, I don't listen as well as I should and there are points where it's not that I don't want to but something in my brain say just don't and it gets me into the most trouble. I'm loud, like can't control my volume loud or I mumble, I think it's a family thing. I make excuses (or so I've been told) there are a few times I can catch it but others times... I see it as me trying to explain the truth but no one wants to hear me and then I feel like I have to ignore them or pissed them off. Another is people feel like I always have to have the last word. Now this I can't deny, and I won't BUT let me explain something. Again it's not that I want to have the last word, cause trust me I want to avoid conflict at all cost but there are time where I will be telling myself to drop it but my brain just won't let me stop. I can't explain it any better than that really. 

Some or more of these things have caused me to lose a lot of people and places to go. I'm not proud of it and I wish I could make amends with some of them but at this point... I don't know if there is anything I can do to actually do. You know that saying, "you dug your own grave now lay in it" ... well I guess at this point I have.

Now here's where the kicker comes in. All of this that I have poured into since ....  4 this morning, I say because this is the stuff I need to figure out, or the reason I need to figure it out, or I need to work on. And now is a pretty damn good time as any other to start to make things better.

Maybe one day I 'll find that light in my life that will finally tell me I'm here, I did it...

• Пт, 20:13: @Heedictator http://twitpic.com/2ezeik - 넌 정말 예쁜거야

• Вс, 22:30: @GACKT I know this won't mean much but I have watched since shortly after your Malice Mizer days and to the day I still secertly love you

• Thu, 14:28: Epiphany http://t.co/TAfW2b3k